These everyday phrases may actually do more harm than good. The phrases we use when speaking to our kids not only reflect our beliefs about the world but also influence the beliefs they develop.
Here you will find three phrases you should never, ever say to your child because they can damage their future personality.
1) Stop crying immediately!
“It’s important to allow children to cry and show their emotions and frustrations.
They need to know it is okay to feel happy, sad, angry, or whatever. Besides, we would never tell an adult to stop crying, so why should we say it to children?” says Richard Peterson, the vice president of education for Kiddie Academy.
Kids cry very easily because they’re still innocent and don’t know any important reason to be sad.
Additionally, they haven’t learned how to hold their feelings, and that’s logical.
You should never prevent your child from doing that.
You can tell them, instead, that you understand how they feel and that it’s ok for them to express it. You can later explain to them why what they did was wrong.
It’s perfectly ok for kids to cry and express their emotions.
2) You are the best/the smartest/the prettiest …
Setting up an expectation of perfection, even if you’re not totally serious, can damage your child’s self-esteem and make them less likely to take risks and try new things for fear of failing.
That’s the opposite situation. You try your best to boost your child’s confidence, and you end up lying to them. Why?
How could that possibly help them in their adult life? Remember that you should be honest with your kids.
Of course, you should be honest in a sweet and kind way, because the truth hurts – especially for those who are still young and innocent.
But there’s no need to lie. Your kid can’t be the best. They have flaws like all human beings. And they need to learn it by themselves.
It will help them become mature more easily, accept failure and chase success where and when they can.
On the surface, this seems like a nice way to compliment our children, but when overused or used exclusively, it teaches kids that they have a natural gift that is separate from hard work.
Some kids will then start to avoid situations they are not certain they will succeed because they worry about being perceived as not so smart after all.
The better alternative message is to encourage kids to say, ‘You worked so hard at that and figured it out!’ or ‘I knew you could do it if you kept trying!’
3) I am disappointed in you!
“These words are often spoken to kids at times when they already feel bad.
Trying to make them responsible for your disappointment only adds to their pain,” says Lisa Cavallaro, author of No More Drama: How to Make Peace With Your Defiant Kid.
Parents often say this to their kids when they already feel guilty. It’s wrong to make your kids responsible for your personal disappointment.
First of all, remember that your child isn’t there to make you happy and accomplish your individual dreams and goals.
Of course, you are their biggest role model, and you should try to help them become better in every aspect of their lives.
But not by making them feel remorse about themselves. What you should do is guide your kid when they do something wrong.
Teach them what’s the right thing to do. Speak to them, be honest and kind.